misc response to someone's profile about wanting honesty, loyalty and understanding

i read your profile. and I thought how sad it was.. i gave all that you asked for to my ex for nearly 20 years: honesty, loyalty and understanding, someone reliable.
but none of it was enough because when he found out that my little rituals that we did which helped me to function.. small things.. like driving a certain way home. or the little morning ritual we had worked on each mornign for over 10 years when we found out kiddo was being born to my little quirk of wanting to take a picture/video of anything being it was cleaned or changed or transformed as my way of coping with changes,.. to my loving to picking up cool looking leaves on our walks.. that all these little things I did to celebrate life and soothe any anxieties I might have.. that it all meant that I had something called OCD.. and that even though he had accepted it as part of who I was for nearly 20 years, but when he found out that's why I did what I did, to him that meant that I was some diseased creature with some horrible plague to be avoided at all costs and the fact that I could like myself the way i was, meant I was too horrifying a monster to be hugged or to receive any love from. 
so despite being able to give him all that you asked for on your profile, it just wasn't enough. 
so it makes me wonder.. on the surface, to give you what you want.. so easy for women to do.. but what else might be your other requirements..?


if you have read this, and wish to share your requirements about what you wish for in a partner, either ideal partner or in one that you would just be accepting of.. (say which is which) i would love to hear people's opinions of their perfect partner...

what I am going to use this blog for

So since the divorce, I have done a lot of writing to people to try to describe what happened to us.
and so I though instead of constantly writing and rewriting the process of everything my brain viewed,  and having all that time and energy go to waste with only one person having ever seen that story.. at the risk of my ex or someone we mutually knew seeing the story, I think maybe I will put up on the internet and share our story and our thoughts.   our perspective.  I am sure his of me is pretty bad.  especially since I have already heard some of the horrible lies of what he has told others about me.   some of them so horrible, that if they were true in even the smallest degree, I would not want to even exist as a human being, and would ALMOST consider myself indeed as unworthy of his love as he believes I am, though the truth is, i believe everyone no matter who they are or how they are deserves compassion, understanding, empathy, caring.. bc i believe you do get what you put out there.  which is probably why I do have some negative karma, because I am sorry to say, I have indeed put out some negative karma out there when I have been frustrated or impatient or scared or confused or hurt.  Hopefully as I learn more about practicing compassion and listening to empathy and learning about emotions and selfcompassion, and how to extend that out to others, I can help change my karma. that is my hope.   and I hope you take the journeys with me but on here, on my other blogs and on our youtube channels.
and also be aware that no matter what I write about my ex.  i love every essense of his being and long so much just to be accepted and appreciated by him, and just wish he would WANT to share all of his life and thoughts with us and would at least let us be invited to do so.. even if we could not take him up on that invitation ..  at least not until he made amends for his actions of how he hurt my son.  how he hurt me, I can forgive, but how he hurt our son. that he must spend the rest of his life making amends for.